The world feels unreasonably heavy right now, and I’m certainly not the only person who feels that way. What’s happening with the US, what’s happening in the news (I work in news, so thereby also work), family, friends, all facets of life - just all unnecessarily heavy and hard to hold.
It’s times like these where there’s no middle ground for me, I want to binge the fun-feel good-fancy free shows I missed or need to rewatch, and I also need to dedicate myself to seeing real bonafide art to remind myself the arts are alive and well. This looks like me walking into a bookstore, throwing my arms up wondering what to read on a 6 hour flight home, and then only craving the sardonic and perfect words of Nora Ephron. (Luckily, I Remember Nothing was available in one single copy for me to buy, like she was waiting for me)
At the time of starting this draft, I watched all of Younger in the span of less than 2 weeks. I then tried to catch up on Oscar noms in time for the awards show, which I did not even end up watching; I went to a Sunday night Scratcher Session instead.
The thing I’m picking up on right now in all of the media I’ve consumed is how overextended women are on a base level. And nothing is changing about it. What I’m about to say is not revelatory, but I went into Valentine’s Day single for the first time in 3 years. I’ve been reflecting on what I’m seeing on the apps and my own experience in relationships.
I am on almost all of the apps and they are, frankly, fucking exhausting. As a bi woman, women are terrifying (read: intimidating) and unresponsive, and the audacity of men just keeps growing somehow. I keep thinking about how women have just always been expected to do it all. Even going into the workforce it will always be on us to still do upkeep chores, raise the kids (if you have them), and balance it all with a smile. At most, the standards men hold for themselves are working to provide for themselves; their girlfriend will take care of the rest (on top of taking care of herself and her needs).
The WSJ article about less women getting married is not incorrect— women have, in fact, become pickier; it’s not because we hate men, it’s because we expect a bare minimum that men are seemingly unwilling to give. We want partnership, we want equity, we want to be seen for all of the things behind the scenes. They just want someone who will exist in a feminine state, waiting for them on their rules and their time. On top of that, they expect us to fiscally be responsible for half the relationship and complain about taking a partner to dinner or buying the takeout. If we were to tally up the monthly cost of what it takes one woman (and I’m talking bare bones - brow waxing/threading, regular polish manicure, etc), compared to what a man pays monthly for his aesthetic upkeep, there would probably be 3-4 dinners to make it even at minimum.
Of course in this moment I have to note that this is “not all men,” because we’re apparently seeing a ‘male loneliness epidemic’ and quite frankly that is the silliest title I’ve ever heard. The men who are lonely in this moment are lonely by their own hands; I say this as a single woman who is lonely at my own too.
There are plenty of nice men out there I’m sure, but sometimes it’s not about niceness and it’s not about boxes being checked, it is truly about the intangible. I’m sorry that droning on through endless messages on Hinge, being sent some of the most graphic language or images on Feeld, or the vapidness of Raya are not ways that you’re going to get me fully engaged. I don’t know how else to put it - the numbers game isn’t about numbers anymore. It’s turned into social media, it’s turned into how long can you keep my attention and how quickly can I take you out and bed you (and those stories I’ll save for when I have the courage to hit up an open mic).
I started this post with a point, and now it just feels like a ramble. The point? As I start to close out my 20s in this state, in this weird limbo of wanting raucous experiences and fulfilling partnership simultaneously (which apparently men can’t do the grey area even when they’re the ones that ask for it), the game keeps getting changed in ways that feel impossible to surmount.
Jason Mendoza says it perfectly in The Good Place: “I’m too young to die and too old to eat off the kids menu. What a stupid age I am!”